I am beginning to think that, maybe, the Youtube phenomenon has the potential to morph into a kind of Orwellian nightmare, fueled by a sort of mob mentality akin to the Salem witch hunts. Watch what you say and do, big brother might be recording .mpeg video on a cellphone to post online for all the world to see.

Youtube certainly has value, as evidenced when George Allen reared his ugly, racist head with his "macaca" remarks. But I see the potential for a kind of repression in it, too. I think Michael Richards should be, and has been, condemned for his racist comments at a nightclub recently. But should he be tarred and feathered for them? Burned at the stake?

SOS

I woke up a little earlier this morning, from a dream I guess, hearing an old song of mine in my head called SOS (Symphony of Silence). My first waking thought was, "oh yeah, that would have been a good old tune to dig up" for the impromptu gig I did on my 50th birthday. Truth is, I haven't thought much about that song since it was cut as a b-side on the first (and one of the only few) 7"s Beulah released, back in 1997. It technically came out before our first record, Handsome Western States, but SOS was recorded after all of the material that came out on "Handsome" was completed. The 7" has long been out of print - we didn't print that many to begin with, I think maybe 1,000, so it is pretty hard to find.

My next thought, as I was now fully awake, was wondering if I could remember it without the herculean effort of grabbing my heavy-ass convertible ladder from out back, bringing it in so I could go up in our attic and find the bin to dig out either the lyric sheet, my old copy of that 7", or both, and then realizing that there was a reason I gave away my old LPs last year - I no longer have a turntable and I don't have a space for an old school hi-fi stereo setup with a receiver with the proper hookups for an LP record player. And though I was reasonably sure I could find the lyrics I printed out many years ago in my box of memorabilia up there, by then I figured why not just google it and see what comes up. The first pass at it, SOS (Symphony of Silence) brought up an assortment of artwork, a rather emo song complete with a professional video, even a band. I refined the search a little, to "Beulah SOS." Sure enough, bless the heart of someone whose tag is "ninini!" for taking the time to upload and post the song on Youtube. There is a special place in my heart for completists. They are the keepers of all things - just in case. And from the looks of it, I may in fact be the sixth listener now of that post.

"SOS" is a cute little two minute ditty, but the song itself isn't all that remarkable. What's remarkable, for me, is it's the one and only song of mine ever released with Beulah. For the first record, Beulah was mainly just me and Miles, my borrowed Tascam 238 and "borrowed" (using the term loosely, more like unauthorized use of) equipment (especially drums, thanks Dave Sanner) from the practice space where my main band at the time, 17 Reasons, shared with a band called "Shitty Shitty Band Band." There are a variety of reasons why I never contributed any "complete" or even "partially complete" songs to Beulah after that - among them were: they weren't that good and, I pretty much stopped writing songs with any regularity after the summer of 1996.

Well, there is the case to be made for "Gravity's Bringing Us Down," a song that was originally Pat Noel's, which Miles took and incorporated into this song, along with a very small melody line for the bit in the chorus that goes "my trigger finger's cocked, and I'm feeling weak, open wide, I'm paralyzed" that was "borrowed" from, or, maybe more appropriate to say "informed by" a song I had written called "Shake Your Bottle." The line in my song (which extends a bit longer in the same melody) goes "How happy you will be depends on what you take, you open up the pillbox and you grab the microphone, now you've got something to say." I think the idea of my song was something along the lines of using one's med bottle as a maraca while singing Karaoke to get through life. Or something. Like I said...my songs (or at least my lyrics) were not that good.

At any rate, when it came time to credit songwriting on our third record "The Coast is Never Clear," Miles told me that Pat didn't want me credited as co-writer on his song so, in a bit of horse trading, I got credit for arranging on "Coast is Never Clear" as a whole instead. They voted, and I was overruled. Or something like that. Anyway, my job really was arranger and music director by that time anyway (music director often meant remembering all the bits people played, even Miles himself, as people weaved in and out of the band, so I could help them learn - or in Miles' case, remember - how to play them).

Oh, and the concept of arranging informs the other reason, even in the beginning, where I didn't really feel like trying to submit any songs I had written anyway. For me, Beulah was a refuge from the role I tried to play in all other bands, as leader, singer/songwriter/frontman, and I was enthusiastically diving into trying to do all of the other stuff "but" that. I suppose admitting that I was overruled by Pat on what was originally his song is a little like fight club. We don't talk about fight club. I won't sue, I promise. I wouldn't win, and enough time has passed anyway so who the fuck cares? The legal fees would vastly outweigh any royalties. Plus, as far as I can tell, the subject of that song is limp dick and I'm fine with not being credited on a song about that. I've got enough problems of my own.

Getting back to SOS, yes, songwriting credit, that was remarkable...for me. But it's really more remarkable because it represents the marking of time where Beulah transitioned from the two-piece  project Miles and I had to becoming a band, and from the sound of what we were doing on the first record, to the sound of our second release, "When Your Heartstrings Break." And it's all about the people. Steve LaFollette, a member of the aforementioned "Shitty Shitty Band Band," had either just joined, or was about to join Beulah. It's the first track we recorded that he plays on: Bass and keys. And he brought some friends and fellow bandmates from Shitty to join in on horns and woodwinds, including the great Ben Riseling, who jumps right off the vinyl of this track on clarinet. Anne Mellinger, who plays violin and sings backing vocals throughout our first record, also brought in a couple of her friends on strings. They had a weekly gathering they loosely called the "Bierenbach Quartet." They would get together once a week to drink beer and play Bach. They would bring a few more of their friends to add strings throughout "Heartstrings." The expanded lineup of "When Your Heartstrings Break" could, in shorthand, have been written to credit members of "Shitty Shitty Band Band" and the "Bierenbach Quartet" but that would have been just too much.

SOS was one of the last things we did before we released "Handsome Western States." All of the stuff on Handsome had already been recorded, and I think mixed by then too. So SOS was one of the few, or maybe the only thing that documents the time in between. Beulah doesn't have a lot of outtakes or things left on the cutting room floor. Pretty much everything we completed, we put out at some point. And this song is really about the instrumentation, the arrangement. Miles was the instigator in adding these bits to my little song which, if it were left up to me, would have been kept as a little acoustic ditty with a little feedback thrown in or something. In that regard, it was also the first taste of what it would feel like, as a recording engineer with little experience, marginal ability and limited equipment, to try and keep up with a songwriter and bandleader with a million ideas and a determination to aim way, way higher than I was ready for. "Heartstrings" is considered by many of our fans as our best work. And as Miles has often said, your best, or most original work, is usually your failed attempts at trying to emulate greatness (aka Beatles, Beach Boys, Zombies, Brian Eno etc.). "Heartstrings" was a hard record for me to record, because I wasn't ready for Miles' exponential growth. And SOS was the very first taste of that, the first lab experiment, perhaps, on a short, throw-away little ditty that almost sounds like a Vaudeville piece.

There's one other little remarkable tidbit, but it's really more significant to our family, or Kiera's side of the family. Margo (my mother in law), and Gavin (brother in law) more significantly. There is a custom instrument Margo had, called a "banjo mandolin" that she had given me around then as a gift - figuring the instrument would get some use by a musician in the family at some point. It really is a weird sound, and I didn't end up finding much use for it, except on the song SOS. It's the only recording I think I ever used that instrument for. As Gavin began playing and gigging, developing his own material as well as a repertoire heavy with traditional Irish music, I passed along that instrument to its rightful place in the Barry family, and sent it home with him back to Rochester a few years ago. It's a beautiful instrument, and looks great hanging on a wall, but for me it was pretty much a decoration.

Now that I've taken the time to write this rambling essay on a fairly innocuous little tune, I'll probably listen to the youtube post of the song to transcribe the lyrics, remember the chords, and add it to my little set. I may do the concert again with a better computer microphone (en route as of this writing), and add this one in. Or maybe I'll learn it, then record it, and post it here. If anyone's reading, that is. Otherwise, maybe we'll leave it to fight club.

We don't talk about fight club.

The end.

Been a while. I'm spending more time on facebook than in here these days, so it goes. Too much media. So what's new? Livie's 16 months, walking, talking, climbing, causing a ruckus. She's very strong willed. That part she gets from her mama. And she's a little bit of an imp. That part she gets from me. I'm starting to put some mini videos up on YouTube.

Okay, I'm going to try and be done with caring about what the wingnuts think. As Roger Ebert put it recently (about resentment and caring about what others think of you), it's like "allowing someone to live rent-free in a room in your head."

Instead, I'll try and provide some analysis. The 2010 midterms look to be a classic one in longstanding patterns for a first term President. The opposition party is likely to pick up seats. But it doesn't appear to me that it's going to be a realignment like 1994 or 2006, if (and only if) Obama can fight the real enemy. The real enemy is not anger--the vitriol out there now is from those who didn't vote for him in the first place, the same people whose basest instincts were thrown out in the open with Palin's tacit encouragement lining up in the last days for their rallies, examples of which we've all seen on YouTube. But, rather, disappointment, especially from folks on the left, not necessarily the independent voters--this latter group will have to do with who's running in what district. As we saw in Massachusetts, Scott Brown probably won because Coakley was a really bad candidate who took the race for granted. The real enemy is disappointment, and disappointment leads to low turnout among former supporters.

To combat that disappointment, Obama needs to give 'em some red meat, and I think that explains the current tactical moves. First is to call for the bipartisan summit on Health Care, to call out the Repubs who said they wanted to be "consulted." Obama's calling their bluff, and it looks like they may be taking the bait (we'll only come if the cameras are off and you hit the "reset button" and "start with a blank piece of paper"). I think this will play into his hands. And secondly, when they do take the bait, Obama (and hopefully the Dems, particularly the Senate Dems up for re-election) will then sack up and push for a reconciliation bill.

He needs to push for more of this, show that the Repugs are being insincere, that they're simply hoping to be unified in an obstructionist strategy until November. If he can do that, he'll at least get liberal Dems out in greater numbers to try and stem the inevitable tide.

As for 2012? I look to the CPAC (wingnut) Convention straw polls that just came out for a clue. And I'm reminded about how bad Clinton looked in 1994-1995. Folks thought he was a goner. The inevitable polls would come out asking questions like "would you vote to re-elect the President or someone else." And of course, when asked that way, people are always gonna vote for someone else if they're unhappy with the current direction.

But who?

And here's where the straw poll comes in. Ron Paul wins, with Romney at second, and Sarah Palin a distant third (at least). Not exactly a strong field. So Obama has to like where he sits there. There could be a dark horse, but will it be someone who can unify the libertarians with the evangelicals? If Paul ends up showing as strong as he has, look to a potential third party candidate scenario a-la Ross Perot, and we all know how that ended up.

If Obama doesn't give red meat to the libs (like reconciliation) and continues to trumpet pragmatism over all else, then we could be looking at the possibility of a stronger third party candidacy on the greener side of things, as it were. But this is less likely. Even Nader only got 4% and that was against Gore, who didn't exactly wow 'em in the 2000 campaign.

UPDATED: I should add that the "red meat" in this case should be grass fed, free range.

1-800-GENOCIDE

As promised earlier, I am now going to elaborate on the subject of Darfur:

1-800-GENOCIDE (436-6243) is a toll free hotline set up by High School students concerned about the genocide taking place in the Darfur region of Sudan. When you call the number, it will ask for your zip code, then route you to a tree with four options to press:

1. To contact the Governor's office of your home state
2. To contact the U.S. Representative of your district
3. To contact one of your U.S. Senators
4. To contact the White House

With each choice, information is provided about pending legislation to urge support or co-sponsorship for, or to enact policies to help stop the killing. File under: Why didn't I think of that? Easy to remember, hard to forget. Awareness of genocide requires repetition. 1-800-GENOCIDE: A child can remember it.

A lot has been written on the subject of Darfur, but for those who aren't aware, here it is in a nutshell:

The Sudanese government is funding a militia of paid mercenaries, called the Janjaweed, which is targeting non-Arabs in the Darfur region of Sudan. The Janjaweed are brutally gang raping women and girls, burning villages, throwing children into fires and dropping the dead bodies into wells to contaminate the water supplies of a very parched region, all in the name of "cracking down" on a rebellion. They've killed at least 400,000 people since this campaign began in 2003. There are complexities behind the origins of the conflict, but what the Sudanese government is doing can simply be called genocide. And even more simply: this cannot stand. Not on our watch!

This is the same thing that happened in Rwanda 13 years ago, but in a slower, more methodical way. And this is the same government that once provided refuge for Osama Bin Laden to plot things like the 9/11 attacks, among others. U.S. influence, working with other countries in the region forced the Sudanese government to kick Bin Laden out in 1996, and we can do the same to stop the killings in Darfur. As of now our actions have not backed up our official declaration of the situation in Darfur as genocide. Colin Powell called it genocide, Condi Rice said it, and so has President Bush. But little has been done beyond paying lip service at this point.

Sound familiar? Surf on over to the History channel, or if you're in D.C., pay a visit to the Holocaust Museum. The former? Let's just say I'm willing to bet there are more than a few who see footage of Auschwitz and assume this kind of thing could never happen again. The latter is actually fitting, because the Holocaust Museum is very much involved in trying to get people to notice and take action regarding the Darfur genocide now.

The late U.S. Senator Paul Simon surmised that if each Senator and Congressperson had received 100 letters from their constituents urging an American response when the Rwandan crisis first surfaced, U.S. policy would have been different. This is where placing a call to 1-800-GENOCIDE comes in for the current situation in Darfur.

Make no mistake: We are not calling for direct military action, but divestment from support for the Sudanese government in any way. This means sanctions, in short. A divestment strategy worked to end Apartheid in South Africa almost a generation ago, and it can work again now. Plans are in the works for both the Bush administration and for Congress, and 1-800-GENOCIDE addresses these in detail depending on where you're routing your call. As the saying goes: "Stand and be counted."

For those who say we can't do this, not now, because Sudan is our ally for the war on terror, think again. Does the word "double agent" come to mind? It sure does for me. Do you think a man like Salah Gosh should be considered an asset? I don't. Think for a moment about all of the things that have come back to bite us in the ass. For me, that picture of Don Rumsfeld shaking hands with Saddam Hussein in 1983 comes to mind (trepidations with certain aspects of YouTube notwithstandng). Continued support of the regime in Sudan is one of those things. We know better. It's time to act. But how? 1-800-GENOCIDE.

There's a book credited to Don Cheadle (actor in the film "Hotel Rwanda" among others) and John Prendergast, called "Not On Our Watch." My good friend Heather Bourbeau was very heavily involved in both the writing and editing of this book. I highly recommend it. Hell, I'll buy you a copy if you'd like. It means that much to me.

Think this is a liberal, bleeding heart cause? Check out the introduction of "Not On Our Watch," co-written by Senators Sam Brownback (R-KS) and Barack Obama (D-IL). This is a cause that conservatives and liberals can agree on. Here's a link to "Not On Our Watch":

http://www.bookbrowse.com/excerpts/index.cfm?book_number=1982

For those interested in further reading, the following organizations could sure use your support, or at least your time:

http://www.enoughproject.org
http://www.sudandivestment.org
http://www.genocideintervention.net
http://www.savedarfur.org

Yes, there's a lot of suffering and evil in the world. But when it's genocide, I consider it our moral obligation to do all we can to try and put a stop to it. Please help to spread the word. Call 1-800-GENOCIDE. Vote early and often, as they say. And consider placing a call to your local news station. At present, our major media outlets seem to think the color of Britney Spears' wig is more important.

I am going to take a brief moment in the new year to reinforce what I said earlier about the dangers of YouTube and related mediums, if taken too far. This article, which related to an open investigation as to whom was responsible for filming and posting Saddam's execution, is a further spark, at least in my mind. The chants of "Muqtada, Muqtada, Muqtada" you hear in the background might as well be retranslated to say "burn the witch!" And it makes me wonder if, in the official "4th branch" of government (media), there is no check or balance, what the future holds.

The holidays were fantastically chaotic. All of my family have safely returned home or, in the case of my sis and family, have safely arrived at their next stop. Now it's on to the resolutions, among them how to better handle embarrassing situations involving disrespectful behavior from an increasingly erratic friend. I'll save that subject for a later time, after I figure out a way to handle the situation personally. It is not clear to me how this is to be done.

On another (more) uplifting topic, I'm almost finished with Obama's "Audacity of Hope." My first thoughts to those who would cite executive inexperience as a disqualifier for the presidency: After six plus years of experienced neocons running the show, wisdom trumps experience in '08!

180 Days - A Benchmark, And A Confession Or Two

Hello old blog! It's me, to report on something longer than 140 characters, or 280 I guess now. I used to come here often, especially leading up to, and through, the 2004 elections. Remember those, when Bush was re-elected and we all thought the sky was falling? Remember, in the end, when the owner/writer of http://www.johnkerryisadouchebagbutimvotingforhimanyway.com/ posted a picture of himself pouring out a 40 with "RIP America 1776-2004?" I can't find that picture anymore, or the never-finished thesis about Kerry's "doucheitude" and such. The internet forgets. Go there now and it's a site in Japanese, something about how to get a beautiful bust. Sorry, I'm lazy - I used Google translate, and that's what it said. I left it at that. Anyway, with my job over the past few years I know enough to look up the whois data and see that the site has indeed changed hands:

   Domain Name: JOHNKERRYISADOUCHEBAGBUTIMVOTINGFORHIMANYWAY.COM   Registry Domain ID: 116454295_DOMAIN_COM-VRSN   Registrar WHOIS Server: whois.rrpproxy.net   Registrar URL: http://www.key-systems.net   Updated Date: 2018-02-06T08:53:24Z   Creation Date: 2004-04-08T00:38:53Z   Registry Expiry Date: 2019-04-08T00:38:53Z   Registrar: Key-Systems GmbH   Registrar IANA ID: 269   Registrar Abuse Contact Email: abuse@key-systems.net   Registrar Abuse Contact Phone: +49.68949396850   Domain Status: ok https://icann.org/epp#ok   Name Server: DANISZ.NLRS.JP   Name Server: DANJSZ.NLRS.JP   DNSSEC: unsigned   URL of the ICANN Whois Inaccuracy Complaint Form: https://www.icann.org/wicf/

I guess I was thinking of all of that 'cos my friend Mark texted me a youtube video of the Howard Dean scream. The internet doesn't always forget. But...I digress.

I'm reporting on a milestone I set for myself about six months ago: 180 days without booze.

That's beer, wine, liquor for all of you youngsters (but I may have taken two pulls and passed the pot pipe a couple of times during that period - but why do I always have to qualify this shit?). I don't think I've gone this long since college, and that would take me back to 1988, the year I graduated from High School and went on to UW Madison for my undergrad degree in English and Political Science. A long fucking time ago! I was blasting "Nothing's Shocking" from my dorm room back then to dampen the noise of Steve Miller's Greatest Hits from down the hall. And studying...once in a while. Again, I digress.

People have asked me why I decided to take such a long break from the drink - by the way, the break doesn't end today, I'm going to keep the streak going for a bit. I have said that it was, in part, for health reasons. I'd gotten some test results back in the spring of 2016, including a subsequent ultra sound, that pointed to early signs of alcoholic fatty liver. A wakeup call, yes, but in talking to others about it, the general sense was "yeah, a lot of people get that, you're probably okay." Not enough of a scare to get me to stop for 180 days, but something to keep an eye on. Which I didn't really, back in 2016, and things were about to get worse.

I've also said - "it was just starting to creep into my life more than I would like, and I needed to take stock." Also true. The crack of a can or the opening of a bottle, or the pour into a glass started a little bit earlier and ended a little bit later as the days progressed in 2016.

As spring turned into summer, there were a few episodes, from going out, to BBQs at home, where I lost track of how much I was actually drinking and passed out. The problem wasn't as much the passing out part as the things that I was saying prior to passing out, and not remembering what I said the next morning. And it just so happens one of those episodes - I consider this one of many - and rooted in the fact that I was unusually self absorbed at that time - took place on a very pivotal weekend for our family. It happened during our trip to Yosemite, which was in honor of Kiera's brother Ryan, who passed away 20 years ago from that time. The Yosemite trip was planned by Kiera's brother Gavin, as Yosemite was one of the last, if not the last, place that Gavin saw his brother before he passed away. We were all to take a challenging hike, as they did 20 years ago, in memory of Ryan.

It was not to be for me. July 3rd was when we were to take the hike. July 2nd was a full day of drinking. The hard stuff. Whiskey. Up until those recent years I had shunned hard liquor mostly because I had said that I "knew myself too well" and thus would stick to beer and wine so it wouldn't be too much of a problem. How's that for alcoholic's logic. Day turned to night, peppered with (what I probably thought were counter) insults towards my wife, when asked to do things. I had felt, in my state of mind, that she was "coming at me" in the tone of voice she took towards me when asking me to do things. That state of mind was not new, mind you, but amplified by the alcohol. I said many things that I don't remember. Among them: "I didn't get that memo" when asked if I was to help put Brenna to bed (I think). Everyone went to bed, I stayed up by the fire in what could only be described as drinking alone, contemplating....what? Pleas from Kiera to go to bed. Be present for her, especially on this tough occasion. No, I'm all right, I snapped.

Next thing I know, it is morning, my head hurts, I'm sweating, sitting upright in the driver's seat of our car, bandage on my upper lip. I had passed out, lurched forward, fell out of my chair, and cut my lip on a jagged rock. It needed stitches, but we were nowhere near a hospital and who wanted to take me to the ER anyway? Our friend Jeff helped patch me up and carry me to the car. There's the doghouse, and then there's 6 months in the hole. This feeling was like 6 months in the hole.

Over the course of the next weeks and months, many arguments, but finally, after years of turning down marriage counseling, I got to work finding a marriage counselor who could help us. Or maybe me, if our marriage was past the point of no return. After all, was it too late, that only now, after rock bottom, should I turn to help? Only after being "coerced," in a way? She'd been telling me for three years. Did I remember? Did I care?

Many arguments about that and a whole variety of other reasons why I was not putting much into this relationship - a relationship of 20 years to that point. Did I mention the fact that we had only been dating 3 months when her brother died from depression - taking his own life? Voices of resentment in my head out loud, telling me that all I'll be remembered for was how I handled things on the 20 year "anniversary" of Ryan's death, not how I handled things at the time it happened and in all the years in between. As I would learn, we all have these little voices of resentment in our heads. What alcohol does is hand a tiny little bullhorn to every tiny little voice that would otherwise go unheard, most often unheard even in the subconscious, perhaps, and give it voice to the conscious, loud and clear, and often right straight out of your mouth.

To counseling we went. And still I drank. And passed out on occasion, same pattern, same result. And I couldn't blame hard liquor. It was beer. More counseling. I'd never do it again. And then I did it again. Finally, on March 11th, 2018, the morning after an evening spent at a work event for Kiera at Cleophus Quealy, a brew pub in Industrial San Leandro, I wake up and find Kiera and the kids are gone.

And then, Kiera came back alone. "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result." It was an ultimatum. If it happened again, we were finished. "Your own daughter asked me, 'is daddy drunk?'"

The thing about quitting drinking, even for a month - it's hard to get it going in the early going. There's always something that comes up, some occasion, some bad day at work event, something with the family back east, something stressful where you're like - "well, I can't start now, this is coming up," or "I need a drink to take the edge off of this horrible day." Would I have had the strength to take that first step, on my own, without Kiera's ultimatum? I've always said I'd stay away from hard liquor because I knew myself too well. But did I? Did I ever? Or anymore?

The answer is no, I don't think I would have taken the first step on my own. And I would have relapsed again. And by now I'd be living in some crap apartment somewhere or on someone's couch, or worse. I needed help. Even if it came from an ultimatum. Intervention might be a better word.

I took the first step. 9 days in, we had our next marriage counseling session. I said then what I believe now - that I have to go through with quitting drinking, for 3 months ("6" Kiera reminded me)...all right, 6 months, and if we still have the same arguments, resentments, fights, misunderstandings and so on, then we know alcohol isn't the reason for why we're fighting all the time. Why my body language says "fuck you, I don't care," or why your voice says "are you that fucking stupid" even though you might be asking me the most basic question.

Another way of putting this too is, I have to do this for my own sake, as well as for ours. Or it won't work.

The first couple of weeks sucked. That very next weekend, there was a family funeral, or celebration of life, of someone very dear to us. It was at Kiera's Uncle Noel and Aunt Katherine's, so I knew the wine would be flowing, as usual, and some top shelf wine also, as befits the occasion. I was thinking the most about the alcohol and not as much about our family. It had gotten to the point where all I thought about, and planned around, was when I'd be able to take that first drink.

Now - I was functional. I hadn't been drinking 24/7, after all. But it had crept further and further into my life, into my sense of being, into who I was. Would I need to go to AA meetings? I left the door open, but I didn't feel like doing that right away. I made it through that first week, the worst part of the whole thing.

I began feeling better, after the first couple of weeks. I had met a fellow soccer dad on Brenna's soccer team, and fellow musician, it turns out, Ian. Ian hadn't been drinking in 18 years. I went to his house to finish up some trumpet session work for an EP he was working on, but the majority of the time we talked about the alcohol. Ian was the right man for the right time in my life to help me through a critical juncture. Offered a meeting with chill people who weren't all into God. Mentioned a book called "Dharma Punx." Meanwhile, our marriage counselor also recommended a book called "Recovery 2.0." I read both. I came to the conclusion that those dudes were way further down at their lowest than I had been. But I didn't rule out the 12 steps or meetings or the rest of it. In the mean time, I kept going. I was building a streak, and my stubborn streak kicked in. I later said to Ian, after about a month in, that I felt "mellower" which I wasn't expecting. Ian said "in the program we call that the 'pink cloud.' It usually lasts about 6 months.'" I said to myself at the time, "It's a good thing it lasts six months, because that just so happens to be my deadline for stopping alcohol. I'll have a drink maybe in September."

It got a little easier and easier as the weeks passed. It's been 6 months now. Well, almost. Technically, the 6th month will fall on September 11th, of all days. But my initial goal (at counseling, in my head, before I was corrected, was 90 days, then quickly 180). 180 days is here. Today. September 6th, 2018. Nathan's birthday. Also the birthday of our friend, Amber, and my old friend, Chris. My question is, is the pink cloud still here? I finally looked up "Pink Cloud" the other day, because I wanted to know what it really meant. The gist of it is an irrational exuberance of being newly clean and sober, and feeling that you've got this thing licked, to a level of hubris where relapse is a real danger.

I do feel mellower, which I wasn't expecting - I was expecting to have more anxiety about life, work, and all the rest, without a crutch to take the edge off. The opposite is true. And it came in handy for many things happening in my life at the same time: Promotion at work, family elder care crisis and sibling rivalry crisis back east. A trip for work that ended up in Nashville on my birthday. Trip to WI and NY in July. Trip to North Carolina for work in August. Many temptations, many tests, and I passed all of them.

But is that all because of the pink cloud? I don't think it's been the pink cloud, because, though I've been pleasantly surprised to learn that I had no physical DTs in the first week, and have been able to go six months stopping on my own without meetings, it's not like I did this without help. I've had help from a lot of people along the way. But the real turning point for me was one day, about maybe 2 1/2 months in, when Kiera, out of the blue, turned to me and said "I like you better without drinking." "You're thoughtful, dialed in." Hon, I'm not sure you know how much those words meant to me then, or mean to me now, but they are what truly turned the corner for me then, and sustains me this very moment, as I continue on the sober train. I don't think it's the pink cloud anymore because I'm afraid to find out what might happen if I try and take that first drink once again. I don't want to know what happens right now. I'd rather feel THIS.

Love, me

Here's a selfie, of me, dressed up slightly (which just means no ratted out hoodie on this day) to celebrate this occasion, in the carpool this morning on the way to work.

I hope my honesty doesn't hurt - nothing can hurt or do more damage than I've already done. I hope I can help someone who's in my particular track: Not the lowest of the low points in life by any means,  as some have gone, but pretty damn low for me, and now coming out the other side, relatively intact. Also: my blood pressure reading the other day was 127/69. That's considerably lower than 147/90, no?

The road...to recovery...

 ...is slow. It is slow. But I'm still on it. 

I bought a UA Apollo Solo A/D converter a week ago. I got it set up and running. Now to find the time to record something. 

I was motivated because an old pal, Jeff Jagielo, reached out to me about a project he's working on. Sent me some tracks to play some horn on. I've already mapped out the parts and am ready to print it. Now I just need to find some time when I have the house to myself, or I try it in the bedroom. I can do that, right? The mics aren't hot when I'm tracking trumpet so what's the risk of noise from TVs in the other room, etc interfering? 

Well, I don't want to start my first project after a long dry spell off that way. 

I'm spending the time in between practicing my horn, doing some embouchure recovery exercises. That's the slow part. The road to recovery, that is....

I'll bet you thought I was talking about the alcohol, right? I'm good there. I don't even think about taking a drink. I'm feeling just fine without it. There may come a time when I don't feel that way and will have to fight against those impulses, I keep telling myself. But I'm not anywhere near that now. COVID is bad enough, if I drink and act like an asshole again, I'm done. I'd rather be annoyed with other people drinking than be the one being the annoying asshole or worse. I'm safe from all of that now, and I don't want to ever go back to feeling the way I felt at my worst. 

I have a split screen up right now, White Stripes, Glastonbury, 2005 on Youtube on my right, this browser with blogger on the left. Previously watched the recently released footage of the Basement performance from 2005. I guess that's Nigel Godrich's basement. Pretty sure. I could probably pause, or open another tab and look it up. I mean, I'm already in google, right? Nah. I'm pretty sure. I'll just leave it at that. I don't always need to know everything right away - or ever, really. 

I sure do miss live music these days. Now that we can't go watch it, I really miss it. I wasn't watching it all that much in the years just before COVID. But I sure as hell will when we all get the green light to go back to the clubs. I want to get a band going again. This part of the recovery has been good - a boost for my confidence. For years I struggled with feelings of inadequacy. Nothing I could perform would possibly be good enough, just mediocre. So why bother? 

You know what? I might as well give it a go. If it sucks, people will tell me (by indifference) and then I can just go back to the hibernating I've been doing for, oh, the last 16 years! Well, aside from the occasional horn gig where my lip barely lasts cos I never practice these embouchure exercises. I never did exercises, I just played a lot more. But now? The road...to recovery...

Okay, I take back my earlier commentary about YouTube. Ann Coulter is a gutter slut. Burn the witch!

But don't just take my word for it. Here's the Rude Pundit.

This article reinforces my "burn the witch" fears about YouTube quite nicely. I agree with Mr. Hogarth: if the person posting is anonymous, I have a problem with that. It is very much indeed like Salem (insofar as how things can easily spin out of control and a nonstarter of a story can take on a life of its own).